Living Grief

Grief alive is hard to deal with. It's even harder to share. Mostly because it doesn't look like it's expectation, I think. I don't even know what the expectations are, and yet I feel like I'm not living up to them.

So grief for me comes in waves. One minute I'm laughing and loving while we watch Frozen together as a family. Then the scene comes when Anna turns to ice to save her sister. And the breath comes out of the statute in a puff. Then I'm sobbing and loving.

And there are still moments when I get angry with my kids because they aren't listening or cleaning or whatever. Even though the moment before the outburst, I'm crying in gratefulness for the kids God has saved for me.

I lost my baby. When I think about it, I want to scream (and sometimes I do). But the Lord is still good. And now I've come to the place, the release, the surrender of rest in Him. I used to believe God was too good to cause death, but now I believe He is so good that I can't question what He does. I know still that sin is the cause of death. That we die because we sinned. But it's hard to describe this place. This place that says, even if God does cause death, He is still good. It doesn't sound quite right, but that's close.

This miscarriage was different from the first four. Those four were so early. I barely found out I was pregnant before it was over. But this baby, this baby lived a bit longer. We made it to the midwife appointment at nine weeks and had an ultrasound. The baby was alive and had a heart rate of 170! We got the pictures and everything. The first trimester was almost over, so our Christmas cards announced the coming baby with the cheesy heart on the belly shot.

But after we got the cards, I started feeling different. Less pregnant. I hoped it was just that I was moving into the second trimester. But I stayed in bed for those two weeks and did what I could from the bed. We sent out the cards and borrowed a doppler from a friend. We heard a heartbeat, but it was slow and deep. We were praying and hoping.

This baby was a surprise for us. We've been saying for a few years now that we were done. Four was enough, we felt happy and complete. But then this happened. This baby that changed all my plans was also a little hard. I didn't want to be pregnant again because the first trimester is so hard to live through. I have so much to do, and the pregnancy makes rest just about the only thing I can do. So I complained, but really, I was so excited. I love having babies. I love the snuggles, the nursing, the nights, everything. All my plans for the house were changed the day we found out. I had already figured out where we would put the baby, how I would hang pictures, how I would decorate, etc. And even though four was a little easier to plan, five would have been perfect too. Now I'm having to go back to the four plans. No extra pictures for the walls, no extra bedroom, and no place at the table. Those easier plans aren't so perfect anymore.

My miscarriage happened before Christmas, and even though we were sad and I was still healing, we had a lovely Christmas. But after Christmas, it was a little harder for me to leave the house. I wasn't sure how to respond or act around people. The grief was too tender to talk about in social situations, but it also felt very wrong to ignore the life of my baby. So I stayed home for a while and that was good.

Eventually, of course, I had to re-enter life. So I did. And it was hard, but not horrible. I'm surrounded by love and space. So it was good too.

And now I'm here. I'm getting back into the rhythm of my life without pregnancy; exercising, reading, teaching, and you know, doing laundry. My body was so weak after all of this, but it feels good to be gaining strength again. And my mind and soul are worshipping Christ in His beauty and truth and goodness. It is good too.

Thank you all for the kind words and prayers you have sent my way. Grief is a time of missing love and being extra loved. Y'all have proven that to me in the last month.

1 comment

  1. I wish I had words to ease even just a little of the pain. . . . but I don't. You dear friend are an amazing woman.


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