The Idealist without Ideals

2017 has been rough on us. It was a busy, crazy, weird year that had more hard things to happen than we are used to. We had several good things happen, too, don't get me wrong, but the bad things were really difficult.

The past couple of years I've been lightly studying the personality things. It helps me because I'm an INTJ on the Myers-Briggs which basically means I have big emotions that I have trouble understanding. Knowing this allows me to give myself time to understand whats going on and not just blow up. INTJs are also idealists; one of my life verses is, "Find the ancient paths and walk in it." I like to find the right way of living and then do it. Sourdough bread is good for you, so I make it and eat it. Growing organic veggies is the right way to take care of yourself and the earth, so I do it. Free-range eggs are better, so I have chickens who free-range. Raw milk is better for gut health, so I have goats. Ideally, I would be eating my free-range eggs and drinking my goat milk and eating the veggies from my garden and my homebaked bread!

Except, this year.

I have no garden. My chickens are getting old and not producing anymore. I didn't get new chicks in the spring because we weren't set up for them yet. Two of my goats were viciously killed last winter, one of which was pregnant and one of our milking goats. With only one milking goat left, it was too much work for too little milk. And I haven't made bread in a year or more. (I can't believe it's been that long.)

Plus we moved over the summer. That is the big excuse I have. We had to build a barn and a 1600 foot fence; gardening and milking weren't really possible.

But I had other hold-ups too. The first part of the year was full of surgeries in our house. Surgeries aren't easy to get over. Then in September, we found out we were pregnant. First trimesters are rough, I basically fail at life during those 12ish weeks. And then, with this pregnancy, the worst happened at 14 weeks. I was just getting over all the yucky feelings, but then I felt yucky in a different way. I miscarried, and we had to go to the hospital because there was so much blood. So much blood, that we had to have another surgery, a D&C this time. And now I've spent two weeks trying to heal. I lost a lot of blood that day, and healing is going to take months not weeks.

Plus, I lost more than blood.

I'm not really ready to talk about that yet though. (See above about emotional understanding.)

All that to say, my ideals aren't happening here and that's really difficult. We buy bread, milk, eggs, and frozen vegetables from the store (gasp!) and toothpaste (WHAT!) and I dry all my laundry in the dryer (when I do laundry, which has not been as often as I need to) (holy smokes!). I forgot about this one, but we even buy our cleaning products now! And sugar! The white granular stuff that is going to kill us all. (But makes my coffee in the morning something I look forward to all day. And yes, I drink coffee now. Every morning. It is amazing. I sometimes can't wait to get out of bed just to have my cup.)

I've had to compromise on just about everything this year. You kind of need a lot of medical intervention when having surgeries and a lot of antibiotics, too. I'm even using some Carmax chapstick they gave me at the hospital for my chapped lips. Not to mention all the pills I've had to take. Maybe if I weren't buying all that other stuff I'd be able to buy goat milk soap and beeswax lipgloss, but then we'd all be really hungry.

This is not a pity party post, although it may sound like it. I love my life and where we are right now. I wish some things were different, but not that we were milking goats right now. I love our home even though it would ideally be further along in the renovation. (That probably weighs heavy on me too. I like things to be done. But money has been tight all year and we haven't been able to make headway in the house. Sometimes it gets to me, but most of the time I am so thankful and excited about having this house.)

(Of course, I could just be saying that because I haven't processed the emotions involved with waiting for my dreams. But anyway...)

I'd like to say I don't feel guilty about all of those failures this year. And I guess it isn't guilt so much as a feeling of failing. Hmm, we're getting into that emotional understanding stuff again. Maybe I can hash this one out. Maybe I'm being set free. But I think I'm also feeling a lot of pressure right now as it is the start of a new year with resolutions to make and what not. I don't really want to make resolutions though. Is it because I'm afraid of failing? Or is it because I'd like to just quit surviving and go back to living? Maybe both.

I'd like to start blogging again. I just like to write about the funny things in life and sometimes those are hard to find. Even though, in the midst, there are still things to smile about. God is still good. So I am going to start sharing again but I have no idea what that's going to look like. Obviously, you shouldn't take any advice from me or let me help you in any way. I think I've probably learned a lot this year, but it's still pretty fuzzy. So we'll just let the writing fancy hit me as it hits me and see where we go. Homesteading isn't just farming. It's making your home steady.


  1. First, it's so good to hear from you. Glad you are "okay" - for lack of better word. And second, wow! Perhaps grant yourself a bit of 'grace'. You are an amazing gal who is accustomed to accomplishing goals. Sounds like your system has been through the wringer. Take time and heal both on that emotional level and physical level. You made a great point in that making your home steady is important. You have time. New Years is just a date on the calendar. Do what you need to today and let tomorrow wait in the future. I wish you every blessing and a speedy recovery. (Also, don't take advice from me either as I'm so not qualified to give it. But please know you are cared for.)

  2. Prayers for you, it has been a hard year indeed. Take your time and just take one day at a time.

  3. So sorry to hear about all the issues you all have faced. Seems you need GRACE now yourself. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

    Would love to see more pics of your house.

    Charlotte Moore

  4. Congratulations on living life. As it is. Full of compromises and grief. BTW, it would be really smart to talk to someone about grieving for that life you lost. And then just get on with it. It's not always fun and sometimes you get really pissed at having to milk the goats. But sometimes it is very, very soothing, as is gardening. No hurry. The soil will be there when you are ready to plant again. Be at peace, my sister, be at peace.

  5. So good to hear from you and I say forget thinking you failed because you grew. All those experiences brought you to where you are today and will carry you into 2018. Life is a journey where we never stop growing and those challenges and losses absolutely make us stronger people. Hugs!



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