A Taste of God's Heart

Esmond is my love. He is so cute, and such a grace-gift for us. I can't believe God blessed us with him.

Esmond is also my terror. He is terrible. He blatantly doesn't listen, manipulates, and distracts. And the other day, he and I had an epic battle.

I teach my kids to obey from a very early age; it's much easier to do battle with a younger child than an older. Esmond is proving to be a fighter. He is going to be harder than the other two. They were hard, but not in the same way. Gideon never blatantly disobeys, he disobeys because he forgets or doesn't think. Eowyn doesn't like getting in trouble, and even though she was defiant, she's also very logical. She's a lot like I am. But Esmond, my love, my terror, he is beyond those two. He knows how to make it so that he doesn't have to obey. If he's told to come, he won't come but he'll change what he's doing so that the reason I told him to come is no longer relevant. He'll either stop messing with what he's messing with and pick up a toy he's allowed to play with, or he'll find someone else (like Daddy) to go to instead. Or he likes to start showing me "booboos" or whatever else he thinks will transfer my attention from him. I've been noticing and regretting this behavior, and realizing I'm going to have to engage the battle at some point. So the other day,  I did. And oh my goodness, I didn't know what I was getting into. But when you engage in a battle of wills with a toddler, you can't lose. No matter what. If you lose one time, they know they can win. And their will gets stronger.

So I told Esmond to come. He changed what he was playing with. And did not come. I decided to win, and went to get him. He must have realized this was going to be a battle of wills because he started pitching a fit as soon as I took his hand. I had to lead, carry, drag him to where I had been sitting. I stood him in front of me, and told him to look at me. He would not. He would not look at me. He turned his face to either side, ignoring my presence, ignoring my words, ignoring that I was there. I said it softly, I said it with authority, I said "look at me," but it didn't matter what I did, he would not. He fought against my hands holding him, he fought against who I am to him.

It broke my heart. Into a thousand little pieces. How could he choose to ignore me like that? I am his mother. I gave him life. I know what's best for him. I only want what is best for him. I love him more than words can say.

Is this a taste of God's heart? A taste of what we have done to him? We have refused our Creator's help and design. We have turned our faces away from Him and swore He no longer exists. We have denied Him His very existence. Denied who He is.

And wallowed in our misery. Just as Esmond did. He was miserable. He only had to give in, to listen, to learn the lesson he needed to be taught. But instead he decided to be miserable was better than learning the lesson.

Finally, he looked at me, finally he said yes. It's going to take many battles with him, I fear, but I will win. Because it is for his good. And it is because I love him too much.

Is this a taste of God's Will?

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